We've decided to postpone our revisit to the Institutes. We probably won't be going until November. We were originally scheduled to go in August but after a conversation with our advocate, we decided it would be best to wait. I had a great conversation with Susie, our advocate, and I actually felt better after talking to her. I was completely honest with her about how little we have been able to accomplish with Joaquin over the past few months in terms of our goals.
We've been busy and honestly a lot of Joaquin's program has not even been started. There is nothing worse than writing those words. I feel like I am failing him as a mother right now. He is still getting his Early Intervention therapies 5x/week but there is sooooo much more that I could and should be doing with him. Talk about mother's guilt.
When I get down to really looking at my schedule, it is pretty crazy busy but there IS time to fit in his program. However, I'm lacking the energy and enthusiasm that it takes sometimes and I usually want to spend my free time loving on Joaquin not "working" with him. Again, it's not supposed to be WORK and in fact, the program is supposed to be fun and enjoyable but I just feel like I'm overwhelmed with it. With the diagnosis. With the prognosis. With the responsibility. With the paperwork. With everything.
There are days when I want to throw in the towel. I want to forget about the Down syndrome and just know Joaquin. I want to accept him for all that he is right in this moment and to stop worrying about the future or how much his brain is stimulated or developed.
This job called parenting is exhausting.
So, I will take Susie's advice and start from the beginning. Taking it one step at a time. Starting with one aspect of the program and trying to accomplish it, then slowly adding more when I can. Any little bit is better than nothing. And I will remember that Joaquin is thriving no matter what by living in an active, stimulating and loving home. Thank God for that.
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Here is Joaquin at the end of the day. Exhausted...just like Mama!